Concussions and Why SUVs Continue to Grow in Popularity
How kids and head trauma determine what we drive
Each week there is a brand-new car on my driveway fully fueled, insured and polished to perfection, and this vehicle, still smelling of new leather and plastics, is mine to use however I see fit for an entire week. This is because I am, despite my dumbass columns, still a serious journalist. One specializing in new car reviews in the field of automotive journalism, which ranks even lower than high school sports reporters on the journalistic prestige scale. Never mind Watergate, we couldn’t even break Dieselgate.
Anyway, while those other journalists are holding the powerful accountable or uncovering wrongdoings, or given our current administration, screaming into the void, I’m doing my part for the First Amendment by testing to see how well Mercedes’ newest touchscreen operates when my fingers are crusted with doughnut glaze. Critical information, that is.
Despite testing cars for seven years, I was still a bit perplexed as to why so many people choose SUVs over sedans. Sure, many people like the higher and more commanding view of the road, but this is just a cover for their Machiavellian stance of insisting they have the largest vehicle in an accident. Some also believe they must have all-terrain capability even though the only time their tires are off pavement is when they’ve run over someone’s mailbox to reply to a text.
But the real reason people prefer SUVs finally hit me. Or, more accurately, I hit it. That is, my head on the doorframe of the sedan I was testing while installing my daughter’s car seat.
This was not some forgettable bump, unless you consider the impact was so hard the brain damage I received caused me to forget the incident for several days afterward. In fact, my review for the car in question was nothing more than commenting on the durability of the bodywork. I couldn’t remember what it was like to actually drive. Still, it underscored the real reason why people choose SUVs over sedans — concussion avoidance.
Because an SUV is usually a bit taller and usually has a slightly more commodious cabin than a sedan, installing a car seat or strapping your kiddo in their seat is just a tad bit easier. Note, I said easier, not easy. “Easy car seat installation” is a phrase that does not exist in the English language.
Car seats are designed to keep your wee-one safe, but only at the expense of a parent’s well-being.
It takes some agility to run a lap and shoulder belt through the backside of a car seat, then hand it to your other hand on the opposite side, while trying to position your body in a way that fits both over the car seat and behind the front passenger seat. If this is done in a sedan, you’re bending over while contorting because of the low roofline. Consider it automotive yoga. One leg on the ground, one knee on the seat, arms outstretched over either side of the car seat while contorting your body into the small space is known as the “Parent Pretzel” pose.
Of course, this process is more challenging when you’re a bit portly. I would know given I’m a valued contributor to U.S. obesity statistics. Again, an SUV’s slightly more cavernous cabin and added ride height helps you to bash your head significantly less during this process. You might even remember your child’s name afterward.
SUVs may cost a bit more than an equivalent sedan, but you’ll make up for those extra dollars spent at the dealership versus spending wads of cash at the doctor’s because of the constant concussions sedans can deliver.
Of course, the bonking of your child’s head on the doorframe is another reason to consider an SUV over a sedan.
The one aspect of parenting that no one bothered to mention to me was how much of it is spent just trying to get out the damn door to go somewhere. You start the day feeling eager, ready to spend a relaxing and fun day at the park enjoying the cool temperatures of spring. But by the time the kid(s) have gotten dressed, eaten breakfast, spent a few hours trying to find their shoes, convinced you they should bring approximately 1.5 tons of toys with them, gone to the bathroom, found their shoes again after taking them off for an unknown reason, gone to the bathroom again, decided they want to wear different shoes, changed their shirt because they spilled their juice all over it, thrown a tantrum for fun and played a sudden game of hide-and-seek to see just how loudly you can yell, it’s time to start prepping the Thanksgiving turkey.
So, in your angered, impatient rush to finally get them in the car, you open the door, cradle their head gently, and then accidentally bash it into the bodywork. Invariably this occurs on a day in which they are already incredibly grumpy, leading your child to have a meltdown so intense your car’s tires will deflate due to the change in ambient air pressure within a 300-foot radius of the ear-piercing screams.
Then, after comforting them, you slam your head on the C-pillar in an accidental showing of solidarity.
Again, owning an SUV doesn’t eliminate these issues, but you’re slightly less likely to suffer from monthly concussions than by driving a sedan. Then again, based on the driving skills of the people in my neck of the woods, plenty of people are suffering from consistent head trauma no matter what they drive
