How to Navigate Atlanta Area Traffic
Where the rules don't apply
Hello traveler, and welcome the metro Atlanta area! I saw your out-of-state license plate, your SUV’s cargo area loaded with luggage, and your ghost-white face while navigating I-85, driving 25 mph under the speed limit in the left lane because it’s the only place you felt somewhat safe among the eight lanes. Since you’re obviously from out of town, and because the standstill traffic means we have plenty of time to chat, I thought I’d share some advice about traversing the major thoroughfares in and around Atlanta. Consider it Southern Hospitality.
Traffic, as you can tell, is completely stopped. Now, don’t bother checking your GPS to see if there is an accident or construction holding up traffic. There always is. And even on those rare occasions in which you find yourself on a road where there isn’t a crash, or a lane closure that has been in effect since the Clinton Administration, Atlanta area drivers will often just stop to create a bottleneck because they aren’t used to traveling more than three miles on interstates and major highways without coming to complete stop. That’s why, even at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday, you can encounter stop-and-go traffic on every major highway within a 30-mile radius of Atlanta. Traffic is our proverbial safety blanket. We locals only know how to drive either two or 92 miles per hour.
That’s just one of the quirks of traveling by car around here, and it’s far from the only one.
For instance, lane discipline — in which slower cars stay to the right and cars traveling faster pass on the left — is nonexistent. Don’t worry about doing 52 mph in sixth lane to the left along I-75. This can be considered the “safety lane” for people who get so overwhelmed at having six lanes available to them they feel more comfortable driving three feet from a concrete wall. Many locals also use these safety lanes while vehemently cursing at all the “maniacs” who are so callous as to drive the speed limit. Complete disregard for lane discipline also results, often, in anywhere from four to six lanes of traffic all moving at the exact same speed, creating a moving roadblock.
In other parts of the world, turn signals are used to signify the intention of a lane change on the highway. Whereas in Atlanta, a turn signal used on an interstate is to let other cars know they’ve just been cut off. To properly use your turn signals here, only use them after you’re about 90 percent into the adjacent lane.
Zipper merging does not exist here, either. You are required to get in the lane needed to merge, exit, etc. either 17 miles beforehand or weasel your way into the desired lane, crossing the road’s gore, or five lanes of traffic, at the last possible second. This is another way in which locals can take it upon themselves to create that fuzzy blanket of familiarity that is traveling at the speed of smell.
It’s also crucial you understand how to merge on highways and interstates. Do not, under any circumstances, stick with the classic “rule” of merging at highway speeds. Your first instinct while merging on Ga-400, I-85, I-75, I-20 and other thoroughfares should be to brake and not merge until you have created a bottleneck.
You will also notice there are plenty of “Express” lanes around the area. These toll roads have been constructed in the last decade to give drivers the privilege of paying a few dollars to sit in only one lane of bumper-to-bumper traffic.
You may also notice that on those rare occasions, about once every lunar cycle, traffic will move freely on interstates. During these times, there are local ordinances in place requiring at least a 30-mph difference between the fastest and slowest moving traffic. This is why you might encounter a “variable speed limit” on some Atlanta highways.
Of note, some of the cars doing faster speeds in these scenarios might surprise you. Due to the atmospheric anomaly around Atlanta, the power output of cars is radically increased. For example, a 2014 Nissan Versa has a typical output of just 109 horsepower, but in Atlanta air, this subcompact car’s output increases to 4,148 horsepower with a top speed that literally blows off parts of the vehicle. That’s why it’s impossible to see a Nissan Versa or Altima around Atlanta that does not have major bodywork damage.
Scientists have worked to identify the atmospheric conditions that enable such horsepower increases and have determined it’s a mixture of six-digit pollen counts in the spring and all the airborne bacteria emanating from the Chattahoochee River. The E. Coli is so thick in the Chattahoochee River that it is impossible to drown from the extreme buoyancy the overabundance of bacteria creates. That’s why tubing down the river, or “Shooting the ‘Hooch,” is a popular pastime in these parts.
It's these scientific wonders that explain why the CDC is headquartered in Atlanta.
Another quirk to driving around, quite literally, Atlanta, is I-285, a bypass encircling the city. Now, you might be thinking, how can a ring road be considered an interstate? Well, nothing about I-285 makes sense. Get on I-285 West and you might see it’s marked as toward Chattanooga and Birmingham, two cities which, pay attention here, are not remotely in the same direction. Travel enough, and 285 West becomes North, or maybe South. You can get on 285 West and travel east. At any given time, at least 15 percent of the traffic on 285 has been circling Atlanta, completely lost on how to escape its grip, since 2012.
One time a plane crashed onto 285, killing four, and though tragic, the general reaction in the area was, “Of course it was 285.”
I-285 is often ranked as one of the most dangerous highways in the United States as determined by the number of fatal accidents per stretch of roadway. This is why you cannot traverse more than 800 feet of I-285 without smelling the overwhelming aroma of marijuana smoke. It’s people trying to quell their anxiety about driving on I-285. Of course, these high drivers also contribute to the high accident rates on the interstate that is only located in one state.
Speaking of drug use, let’s talk about the side streets in the city. Atlanta’s roads were designed by engineers who were extremely high on the coca leaves, those used to manufacture cocaine, as John Pemberton first concocted Coca Cola in the city. This explains the complete lack of a sensible urban roadway approach, such as a grid system, in Atlanta. Instead, city streets have been laid out in a way that is about as organized as a bowl of noodles. It also explains why traffic engineers thought, wrongly, it would be perfectly sensible to have three major interstates — I-75, I-85 and I-20 — to all converge within a populated city. And it was only until the cocaine comedown did anyone get about to naming the city streets, which is why this group named about 90 percent of Atlanta roads some variant of “Peachtree.” They were desperate for a nap and just wanted to be done with the whole project as sobriety set in.
Traffic will be snarled on city streets, too. This can be advantageous though as it gives you some time to drive around potholes that can swallow entire cars. In fact, many of the classic cars on display at the Savoy Automotive Museum well north of the city were simply mined from the bottom of the Atlanta potholes that haven’t been filled since just after Sherman marched through the city, torch in hand.
Well, it looks like we should get back in our cars now that it’s moving a bit. I hope I provided you with a little guidance for making your way around the area. But one final thing before we go. If you’re not aware, Atlanta was once marketed as, and I swear I’m not making this up, “The City Too Busy To Hate.” That’s not true. We hate every other driver on the road. And we’re too busy to hate because we’re doing business things, we’re just stuck in traffic.
Very clever!!!